these are the words i can not dare to speak

When you are on your death bed.
Do you know that your about to die.
Does your chest start to ache with fear or does it relax.
Do you smell death.
Not the smell of your own flesh rotting but the scent of scum and terror. Just an unhappy scent.
What do you see. Do you see that bright white light everyone talks about
Or do you see nothing at all.
Do your toes tingle.
Do you feel nauseous
Does your face go numb
What do you think
Are you scared
Are you glad
Do you feel your heart pump slower
And slower
Until it stops
I have all these questions that no one will ever be able to tell me.
But myself.

I’m hungry but i shouldnt eat, i need to loose weight, i need to have that nice beach body for summer. i need to be fit, why cant i be skinny, why do my thighs touch, why dont my collar bones stick out more why is my belly not flat fuck this is so unfair .

my friend a while back found this blog. 

she read every damn word i wrote.

every

single

word

and then she called me crying. SHE was crying. 

but i fought back the tears until i hung up. and when i cried.

 i cried harder than i have in a while .

i felt so invaded, that now she knows how i felt 

how i felt after every encounter and all the times i felt upset

she knows now how i felt

so i changed my url

and i hope that she wont accidently find it again

im sorry if you do read this again

but i just hate when people actually know

you are my best friend. but i hate sympathy and people knowing

today it has been 20 years and 1 year that you two have been married.

that means 7305 days you two have put up with eachother

175320 hours you two have been together.

and those 175320 hours. you guys havent stopped fighting have you.

this hate that scars my eyes and my once  pure, innocent mind.

fights replaying  over and over and over and over in my mind

you expect perfection, patience, support, kids to listen. 

but i dont wanna, fuck this family isnt perfect, i lost my patence for you guys, like you lost on eachother, this support has to work every way, including between you two

and for us to listen?

what point is there in listening.

to hear about how much of a drunken ass hole my father was / can be

to hear how much of a bitch my mother is

to hear this giant hate hole between you two that you guys fill with “love and support”

do you love him still. 

do you love her still.

after these 20 years have you finally given up.

or will you continue doing this repetive thing saying you love him one day and want to devorce the next. 

this shit is getting old,

this shit was getting old when i was 7

Im sorry but I dont know if I regret it

I dyed my hair and now im scared
Like my hair is blonde and I naturally have brown hair
God now people are gonna be like oh your hair Is nice or they hate it and god they probably just hate it and just say its nice so they ar nice and fuck im mad now.

Anonymous whispered: Do you really feel this way? Bc you shouldn't! Like you really shouldn't. I kno I don't no ur storey butplease I hate that you might actually feel dislike stuff about you. Please pleae try to love yourself u are probably great!! I promise!

Thank you bae Ilu

Sanctuary from the dark
Saver from fault.
My flower in my garden
My sun in the sky.
Without you id be empty.
But you’d be just fine without me.
Because in nature
Beautiful creatures like you grow just well
Without monsters like me.

I seen the way you looked at my arms today.
As you were drawing flowers on my hands you flipped my hands over to see my wrists were clean.
But then you looked back at my arms and looked like you were gonna question.
Id answer something like my cat clawed me bad a while ago.
But in reality you would never know I harm myself on my thighs now because thats the only place I can hide my scars.

i guess as days continue we are left with the only choice but to be strong.